Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Didn't wanna, but did

Why are the things that are good for us, that make us feel good, so hard to get done? Why, in fact, (and I don't think I'm alone here), do I actively sabotage my own participation in activities that I enjoy and that make positive contributions to my life and to my family?

Why, if I enjoy it so much, feel so good afterwards, and clearly notice the benefits to my muscle tone, balance and flexibility, want TO SKIP OUT ON YOGA EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME? I forced myself to go tonight, and it was awesome from the moment I rolled out my mat to the moment I touched my head to the ground, namaste. At 6:01, yoga is the only place in the world I want to be. At 5:59? I would have volunteered to muck out the organic waste bin to get out of leaving the house.

Why do I just not take my vitamins? I see them there in the cupboard, every day, right there beside the peanut butter for which I am reaching. I reach right past them. Every day. I would feel better if I took them. It's not hard to take them. And yet? I don't.

I made soup stock the other day so that I could do a new slow cooker recipe for a weeknight dinner. Actually, that was last week. The potato-leek-mushroom au gratin only got made tonight, and I had to force myself to get started. However, as soon as I slipped on my apron and lined up the first mushroom on the cutting board, chef knife in hand, I felt peaceful, competent, organized and happy. And of course, tomorrow's dinner is now made and I don't have to think about it anymore. Why, why, why do I put off cooking? I enjoy cooking, fer chrissake.

Why do I stay up too late? Um, okay, that one I think I know: I'm afraid I won't be able to fall asleep (insomnia becoming something of a Chronic Condition around here, I regret to inform) and there's more agency in staying awake deliberately than otherwise. But either way, I wake up really tired.

Blogging, too: I love it, and two years running I hop on the NaBloPoMo train to give my blogging some external structuring and motivating force. I love blogging--love reading your blogs, love writing my own and reading comments and checking my sitemeter--and yet I don't do it. It's not that I don't have time, I just avoid doing it for some reason.

Self-sabotage, thy name is, err, self.

Why, why, why?

Do you self-sabotage? How? Why? Help me, oh Internets, help me to understand, at least!

8 comments:

Bon said...

yeh, i self-sabotage. the whole prospect of facing the funding structures of academia from a supplicant position (rather than somebody else's grant writer) has me so addled i nearly drop the whole Ph.D idea twice a day.

plus i don't floss.

the first is fear. the second is laziness. or maybe both are laziness. but i hear you, either way.

now i should go to bed. but insomnia? yeh, it kept me up the other night til 3. hence i waffle. that, at least, is NOT laziness. i don't think?

slouchy said...

inertia is a very strong force, my friend.

Debbie said...

All the time. With my blog, cleaning (I actually don't mind it, I'm just lazy!), correspondence. Ugh. I actually thought I should make a list of things I need to turn into habits (e.g. the 2-day thingy). Things like vitamins, tidying, etc.

Jennifer (ponderosa) said...

Inertia? Fear of pain? Fear of disappointment?

I'm that way about mt biking and snowboarding. I dread going so much I sometimes feel nauseous on the drive up the mountain, but then I always, always love it when I'm there!

Being human is just weird.

Patti said...

I think it's a side effect of multi-tasking. I avoid doing one thing, because I am thinking about doing three other things. While I do none of them.

For example, right now I am thinking about doing my assigned reading for the week ... which I truly find quite fascinating ... and instead I'm checking blogs, and realizing that I really need to get in the shower if I'm going to get to work on time today.

I don't floss either.

Bea said...

I put off exercise too, but it's not so mysterious to me, because I really HATE exercizing. I may like how I feel afterwards, but the during is terrible.

Omaha Mama said...

All of those that you mentioned there. Except for the being afraid I won't fall asleep part. I know I can fall asleep and yet put it off, knowing the consequences. How about not taking care of chores I need to do? Paperwork that will feel so good to get off my desk. A van to clean out.
I so relate to this post and cannot come to a conclusion as to why I do (or don't do) any of it. Especially the stuff I enjoy doing. And the vitamins. Sheesh. Yes, yes, yes.

Jenifer said...

Oh yes, yes, yes. Vitamins, drinking more water (hello 3 kidney stones!) exercise, going to bed, all guilty.

If you find the answers let me know!